I have been thinking so much on this topic lately. If you don’t already know, I’m a thinker and a feeler. I like to analyze all the emotions and find out where they’re coming from.

Lately I’ve been working on accepting my personality traits for what they are and learning to live my life around them, instead of trying to force my personality to fit a model of life I think is the “right” one.

I could talk for hours about this, but there are a few things that have brought this front and center in my life over the past couple years.

In 2015 I took on a job leading a small team of weather forecasters. It was the first time I was solely in charge of something, and my introverted self felt pretty unqualified to do things like hold meetings, offer insight, mentor, discipline, etc.

At some point during my tenure I took a color personality test  and, to no surprise, I was predominantly yellow (emotional) and green (analyzer). The results gave three categories of each color: troublesome, typical, and true. It described negative, average, and positive characteristics for that personality type.

Having always felt that my overly emotional self was a detriment to me and everyone around me, I was intrigued to find that it was described in a positive light as being empathetic, helping others, and being good at peacemaking.

Suddenly things started to click for me, and I realized my ability to read people’s emotions and “feel all the feels” allowed me to help those in need and offer advice (or even just know when to give a needed hug).

This is something I’ve always been able to do, to the point where some of my friends even call me “mom” (yes…it’s weird). Seeing how these perceived weaknesses could be used for good made me question why I saw them as negatives to begin with.

Not to be all “it’s society, man” and cliche, but I feel like the answer to that is in fact our culture and society. So many things out there tell you that in order to be successful or to enjoy your life to the fullest, you need to be a social butterfly and do all the type A things.

Not much out there in the media or in advertisements (except maybe Netflix nowadays) implies that to have a good time you should stay at home. I find a lot of the ideas for raising children and giving them a full life are also about doing external activities, making experiences generally outside the home. There are definitely things suggested that you can do within your home, but they seem to be confined to the “rainy day activities” category.

What this does is make an introverted person feel like they’re not living their life to the fullest, or that they’re going to have regrets later on down the road. I always thought that I needed to change myself somehow. Like I should go out more, and if I go out I’ll be happier, or more fulfilled. Or I need to go to bed early in order to get a good nights sleep, when really I’m a night owl and it’s just not in my body chemistry.

I almost feel like I did this subconsciously – trying to fit into what I think the world is supposed to be like.

Becoming a mom in 2016 compounded this feeling for me. Now I was responsible for these other humans, and maybe they should leave the house more often or have more friends or play all the sports.

Children definitely need these things, no doubt, but I have put a LOT of pressure on myself to do these things (and subsequently dealt with guilt for not getting it together enough to do them). The fact is, though, that to be a good mom you need to be good to your children and take care of yourself.

I’m sure you’ve heard “take care of yourself first” a thousand times before, but it’s so true. Yes I can take my kids to the zoo. Actually I love zoos. But at the end of that day, I’m going to need 3 days in my pajamas to recover. And that’s okay. That is what I need to sustain myself and, as a secondary effect, to be a good mom. I can’t feel guilty for needing those recovery days.

Fast forward to 2018, and the most recent event bringing all this to more light was losing my mom. I was so very close with my mom, and losing her has been the most earth shattering life event so far.

There are quite a few blog posts/articles out there talking about how hard it is to lose a parent while being a parent to young kids, and it is just so true. It’s hard to walk through grief and have to give yourself 110% to these little animals children. I find myself desperately needing to attend to myself and focus on self-care, but having zero time to do it.

This all has led me to think so often about embracing your needs – YOUR specific needs – and your personality type. For me, as an introvert, I need down time. I need silence, and the chance to unwind.

I recently listened to a Tim Ferriss podcast where he spoke with Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking (which is on my book list for this year!). She talked about how being an introvert doesn’t just mean you’re shy. It’s actually a sensory/stimulation thing.

Well, having two toddlers is VERY OVER-STIMULATING. Like…good lord. Sometimes it seems like I might as well go to Times Square every day because that’s usually what play time feels like to me. For me, being an introverted mom is challenging on a daily basis because there aren’t many pockets of “no stimulation.” If my kids skip naps or don’t nap at the same time, I am completely shot by the end of that day. It literally feels like too much to handle.

But, it can’t be too much to handle, really. Because I’m a mom and you can’t ever stop momming. It makes me need to really focus on that self-care and fitting in downtime as much as possible. Because when mama gets wound up ain’t nobody happy.

If you’re a parent you know there is a TON of guilt that comes with it, especially with things like this. Taking time for yourself can make you feel exceedingly guilty despite it being an actual necessity.

All this to say, that since this chain of life changing events has happened I have been intentionally focusing on embracing myself for who I am, and taking time to take care of me. I wrote a little about how hard it’s been to be “unapologetically me” without my mom here, since I realized I only ever felt 100% authentic when I was with her.

But you can’t lose the ability to be the true you. And I’m working on being unapologetically me every day in the real world. Even if that means I need to lean on my husband more to carve out quiet time, and use nap time to stare at the wall or crochet instead of do the dishes.